OK – REVELATION TIME!
So today is day five, that is amazing. The first few days were tough, and I have to say that I have yet to write my body dream. I’ve been having feelings of fear of success and not being able to understand what happens next. I feel like, since I’ve put on all this weight – over ten years now – that I’ve just seen failure after failure and after a while that takes a toll. It takes a toll and hits you in a place where I’m scared to even do something like have a dream about where I want to be. Now, don’t get me wrong, I will do this and I will get there and this detox is an incredible clearing to a new path. This is not just a detox, this has been a cleanse of the soul, and detox of the mind and of the body as well. The things that I have learned about myself thus far through what I’ve been capable of in the last five days is incredible.
I’ve learned that I have been using food as such a crutch and I didn’t even know it because it was a habit. It was a habit to overeat and I didn’t realize it. It was a habit to eat when I did not need it and when I was not hungry, it was a habit to eat away my boredom, to eat away my stress, to eat away my sadness, celebrate my happiness and reward my success. Food had become my life and I did not even realize it. Food had become my second husband, my best friend and my dirtiest secret. It had become my obsession when I woke, the thoughts of “what can I eat that will be ‘healthy’ but allow me to sneak some bread or bacon in” while in the shower. Finding ways to be allowed to eat poorly throughout the day and justify it became my second nature. Of course it’s OK to eat super greasy Chinese food, it’s been such a long day and it will feel so comforting and good when I get to snuggle up on the couch AND if I just take a small portion it will be OK.
I didn’t realize until I started on this ten day detox that food ran my life, it now blows my mind. It was like an abusive partner that you don’t realize was so bad to you till you left. So, I’m sitting here realizing that I don’t need as much food as has been going in my body for the last ten years. I do not need to eat when I am not hungry, I do not need to eat portions made for six burly men in one seating, I am worth taking a step back and being good to myself and eating in a manner that makes me feel good. I really am and that is so important to realize.
I got to a point where I had started believing that just eating a salad would not be enough, so I needed to eat the turkey burger. Anyhow, you get the point. I have been eating smaller portions and have not been hungry. I have been eating salad with two hard boiled eggs or tofu for lunch and feeling great. I wish it were possible for me to put this new found knowledge into words and what it means to be, but I can only say that through the food and coaches and extra time that I would be eating but am not, I have realized that there is another world where food is great and delicious and exciting, but NOT a crutch. And, mostly, that if I don’t eat when the impulse strikes, I’m OK. I’m OK. And, since I haven’t indulged, most of the impulses have gone away… yes, in only five days. I really can’t explain it. It may not be always (meaning my impulses may hit from time to time), but I can now realize that even though I may still think about indulging after a tough day on set or a little argument with the husband, it doesn’t do anything. I feel lighter, freer and really excited about things I can do to fill up all the time I did nothing but think, obsess and internally battle about foods. What an insane revelation. And, if I can see all of this, I should certainly feel good enough to do the body dream. Hmmmm…
So, last night, I had an amazing curry coconut tofu soup. It was spicy and delicious. Today, I made the almond and strawberry smoothie, had the salad for lunch (didn’t even need to snack almonds) and will be choosing my dinner in a little while.
It is so crazy to not want food all day, I know it sounds corny, but thank you Dr. Hyman & co for freeing my of all of this!