And I said it was A-OK!
Yes, it is true, when asked by Shivani, the woman who interviewed me for my New York Times article, if she could have my weight for the article she wrote about Fit Journey, I said “Absolutely,” (outloud) and “AHHHHHH!” (internally). But, the truth is; why not?
My weight is nothing more than a number, I’ve realized that this weight, this number that people will jump on a scale for ten times a day to see any difference, is just that. A number. It’s not like I am fooling someone, like anyone who looks at me can’t tell that I’m overweight. It’s not like they can’t see that I’m not at my healthiest and, most importantly, it’s not like I’m going to be there forever. It’s a number, just like a date on a calendar. A number that will pass, have memories associated with it, a number that had special events happen during it and a number that will be remembered by what I put into myself at that time. People constantly ask me what my weight goal is and I tell them “I have no idea” I know where I liked to be 8 years ago. But, guess what? I’m older, I’ve had a baby and my body is different now. My goal is to feel good, to have a healthy BMI, to have tons of energy all the time and to feel sexy again all the time instead of just every once in a blue moon. Yes, that obviously means changing that number on the scale, I’m not saying the number isn’t going to change, I’m saying I know it will change and it will change until I’m healthy and feel awesome about it. But, I won’t have that number rule my life. I’m around 200 pounds and I am 5’3 (and a half dammit!) and there is nothing to be ashamed of about it because I’m working toward something.
I’m sure there will be people who will say that is disgusting or how can anyone ever let themselves get to this point, but life happens. Maybe not to them, and damn aren’t they lucky, but it happens. Should I sit around, and not allow myself to get healthier and wallow away in feeling like shit and focus on how the hell I got here? Or should I do something about it and focus on my healthier way. My favorite saying is “I used to be fat and now I’m in training.” It doesn’t matter if someone has lost 50 pounds or just started their training a week ago. It is a change of mentality. It is changing the way that you think of your journey and where you are going.
When I was 25 pounds heavier I wasn’t putting much into my self or my health. I was in denial to be honest. I was (still am) obese – though we really like to only use the term obese in our heads for morbidly obese people who need to be airlifted from their homes – and I liked to just act as if it is fine. Here is the thing, to get anywhere with this journey, I had to be completely honest with myself and that was the hardest part.
“Julia – you are unhealthy. Julia,- you are obese. Julia – rewarding yourself with bad food for one good day of eating or working out is not something you deserve yet (hoping that at some point food would no longer have to be a reward, instead maybe supplementing a movie or a massage or anything other than food).” These are all things that had to be said. This is not easy. The fitness part for me is fun, the not eating certain things is not. It is excruciatingly difficult some days. BUT WHO SAID THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EASY!!! So work hard for yourself, it will only make you feel good in the long run.
Anyhow, yes, the world now knows my weight and I care this much: 0