Ughhhhh… How is that for a start to a post?
You know, and I’m not angry or upset or being down on myself – just real, as a big person, I think we get here bc we just don’t realize what’s happened. We go through life eating to get through emotions, hunger, pain etc. we numb and ignore certain things and fill it with food. Yet, somehow we are supposed to notice when we start to gain weight. Somehow, we are ignoring our problems, but aren’t going to ignore the fact that the scale keeps going up. That just doesn’t happen. For most of us, we are in denial. Sure we know we’ve gained weight or feel heavier, but we will not allow ourselves to realize just how bad it is. We see pictures and at first we are shocked, but then get used to it or go up in sizes and are horrified, but then again we don’t want it to rule our lives so we ignore what we feel about it.
So, here is the thing. Even though I’m on this journey, I don’t see myself as obese person. I don’t see myself where I actually am. I see myself as a much more hardcore athlete than I am and, sometimes, as a lot more in shape. This is a problem… This is a problem bc I don’t realize how far I need to go sometimes. Even though I’m on this journey, I’m still in denial and that sucks. But then days like today happen. Days like today where I see pictures of myself and realize just how far I have to go. Realize that I’m actually nowhere near the point of allowing myself massive cheat days or More than a day or two off from the gym. Realize that I need to take this more seriously. Working out more and eating better wont do it alone – full dedication – from food journaling to a workout plan will. Maybe even a food plan of sorts.
We had three picnics to go to today. We bought food to bring, good things like cold cuts and cheese to make turkey roll ups (no bread), fruit, veggies. That was the gist of it. I allowed myself to snack on food others bought, and even though I thought I was just snacking and eating lightly, I def felt (like full wise) like I ate too much. Then I saw pics posted from today and it was like nothing changed. These were some of the worst pics I’ve seen in a long time and I think that because I have been going so hard and so strong these were even more difficult to see. I have absolutely been losing weight an I’ve been losing inches – I can feel it and see it, but this still very much surprised me. I made these two pics the background of my phone. I needed the reminder that I still have work to do and I still need to be the best to myself that I can be. These pics were definitely a hard hit, but I am glad I have them bc it only shows me how much work I have to do and that excites me. I’m excited to get better and stronger and to look sexy – in my own eyes – again. There are def days I feel beautiful and sexy. But I want it to be something I can see too.
Anyhow, this was day 14. It was good and got worse than better when I realized that I needed to see these pics bc I’m no longer in denial abt myself and what needs to get done, I’m ready for great things and know – that even w seeing this pics – I’ve come really, really far and that is something to be proud of.