I had a complete break down tonight. One of mammoth proportions. Well, maybe that’s overstating it.
But I was really feeling like shit about myself. Like I’m not worth much, like
I’m consistently failing. Just a shit day.
You see, I haven’t been losing weight and I haven’t been losing weight because I haven’t been eating well enough. I am putting in far more calories than I am taking out.
I am eating poorly – or too much – giving myself far too many excuses but I’m also giving myself far too many massive expectations.
Here’s the thing, I just realized I’m injured. Somewhere along the line I had a personal injury – it could have started when I was a kid and resurfaced when my mom died or when I put the weight on after she passed. I don’t know. I’m not saying an injury like I fell or hurt myself. I’m talking about a personal and emotional one.
One where I let myself start to have feelings about not being good enough. An injury that allowed myself to start measuring myself to the best that every other person had to offer and – because of that, being consistently let down because I’m really good at a lot of things, but I’m sure as shit not the best at everything.
So, when I see the skinny models walking the NY streets for fashion week, or I’m skimming Instagram seeing all the fit bodies, I’m immediately putting myself down. I’m not inspired, I’m mad at me for being where I am and where I allowed myself to get to.
Lately I feel like I constantly fail. I can’t finish anything or be successful at any of my goals.
In the book Willpower, Rediscovering the Great Human Strength, Roy F. Baumeister talks about willpower being a muscle that you need to workout. The more you use it, the better it gets. I agree with this, but also believe that being awful to yourself and insecure is a muscle that is stronger (easier to use) the more you use it.
Baumeister also says that you can overuse the willpower muscle like you can fatigue any other muscle.
Well, that’s what I’ve done. I’ve been truly fatiguing my mean as hell to myself muscle and I haven’t been touching my willpower muscle.
So, lets be real, we don’t need the insecurity/mean as hell muscle – it’s like nipples on a man – it’s there, but for no good reason. But we need the willpower and good to ourself muscle.
I have decided, since when I need to get something done i tend to need a good analogy to implement it, that I am going to go to “physical therapy” and work my will power muscle.
Insecurity and meanness is the metaphorical MAC truck that came racing around the corner without looking at hit the shit out of my confidence and willpower. So, each day I need to work on getting it back.
I don’t expect it to be easy, but if I want to walk again with my head held high, then I need to take it slow, steady and know that taking baby steps will get me there. I imagine me at PT using the bars to walk again after insecurity knocked me the eff down and deflated my willpower.
Each day I’ll walk another step closer to having the confidence in myself because I’ll be better to myself and I will use that muscle called willpower.
Don’t forget that it takes time to use your muscles and, if Baumeister is right, then you need to consistently use it – and take baby steps – don’t be upset the first time it doesn’t work!
So, if you’re feeling what I’m feeling, hopefully I will see you at PT 😉
Ok – so glad I got that off my chest. It’s amazing how writing through these things can help.